On Fearlessness – Torn

I seem to have a current theme related to the notion of being torn apart and the idea of somehow having having seams that could rip.

I have no idea if other people can relate to that notion or visualize the feeling, but when I am in a state of disarray, it almost always comes with this notion of being torn apart or being faced with a precipice of some sort. A chasm within which my schism can fully evolve and dance with itself.

Some may call it duality. In the Shambhala Buddhist community that I grew up in, it was often referred to as the “Genuine Heart of Sadness”. That inherent longing that’s part of our human nature and is always present when we take the time to slow down and let it be. I no longer practice within that community because of a series of trauma-related incidents (there is a long history of abuse and sexual assault you can read about in this Walrus article). Still, I believe there is a lot of validity to many aspects of Buddhist teachings, including things like this:

The genuine heart of sadness comes from feeling that your nonexistent heart is full. You would like to spill your heart’s blood, give your heart to others. For the warrior, this experience of sad and tender heart is what gives birth to fearlessness. Conventionally, being fearless means that you are not afraid or that, if someone hits you, you will hit him back. However, we are not talking about that street-fighter level of fearlessness. Real fearlessness is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart, your raw and beautiful heart. You are willing to open up, without resistance or shyness, and face the world. You are willing to share your heart with others.

Fearlessness is such a difficult thing to understand, embrace, and live by. It requires putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions and really challenging ourselves. We need to push ourselves to understand that what we perceive to be real is actually the byproduct of years of conditioning, trauma, experiences, and so on so forth. Embracing fearlessness is a lifelong path and it takes time, dedication, and intent in order to practice is successfully.

My biggest practice of fearlessness revolves around trust. Trusting people, trusting myself, trusting the basic goodness in the world, and trusting that generally everything is and will be OK. So many situations arise where the black and white thinking of my brain creates a problem that doesn’t quite exist. At least not in the format I visualize it in. I project into my feelings of helplessness and expectations. When situations arise, as they often do, where I’m confronted with a sense of despair, I always feel torn.

Torn

gazing through windows
which side is
the one you’d wish to be on?
they say the grass
is always greener on the other side
but the grass here
is dying as the earth freezes

how can you know
where the grass
is greener
when you live
in a concrete jungle?

my patchwork
goes through phases
and fantasies
of worlds i don’t fully inhabit
privy to dirty laundry
aired only for the observant
it’s a whiff of something foul
like a sock stuffed
down my windpipe

a constant ache
period pains
on steroids in my soul
an incessant reconstruction
of broken chords
and weaker promises

how can i reconstruct
when my sandcastle
is constantly
washed away
by the tides of
misconceptions
and misspoken words

what does it mean
to do things
my way?
is there a highway
in the case that
one party can’t follow
off the beaten path?

my being
is here but not at all
all at once
an existence fraught
with whys and hows
i am desperate
to tear free
from the bindings and stitches
of my person

eons have passed
and yet differences
are but intellectualized
reasonings
that not even the
toughest lobster cracker
can shatter
to reveal the aching
pulsating
terrified thing
that is
your heart

Absences & Influences

An absence of the mind,
brings thoughtful possessions
of dancing tongues
to a staggering halt
at the foot of a mountain.

A mountain of emotions,
so steep and slippery and tall
one might as well be swallowing soap
and trying to fly upwards
floating atop bubbles of bile.

An influence of the Universe,
vast and fearless in her knowledge
pushes Lilith to move on, evermore
beyond understanding and will,
she cries and begs it all to stop.

A peaceful anguish in knowing nothing,
desperately searching for meaning
in the heart ache and the projection
of loved ones gone and forgotten,
Lilith stands alone, once more, forever.

© 2019 Lilith Ember All Rights Reserved

Tiny Dancer

A thousand times I could die
Waiting for your love.
A wailing heart brings forth a song,
Of melancholy and mourning
For a love that only exists inside a box.
Unlatching, a tiny dancer turns
In melodic perfection, a pirouette of desire
What goes around, comes around, as they say.
She turns, again and again,
Always facing herself in the end.
Perfect imperfections splattered on a soul,
She’s there, at the tip of a tongue…
Little. Love. Lust. Lilith. Linger…
Never will her step falter,
For her puppeteer knows no other melody,
Save that of forgiveness and sorrow.
Alone, she turns, again and again,
Facing only but herself in the end.

© 2019 Lilith Ember All Rights Reserved

Steps

It takes discipline
To not wallow in the sorrow
Abruptly brought to life by the unknown

One step at a time
We lift our feet and move forward
Ever so slowly, never quickening the pace

A flow of thought
Creeping like a monster in the night
Unable to see reason, trying to devour you

It takes discipline
To hold your ground, steady,
In the face of such worldly adversity

A hunger growing
We reach for the forbidden fruit
Ever so carefully, never tightening the grip

An eye opens
That of the witch, but also the demon
Undaunted by your carelessness, they see all

It takes discipline
To not lose oneself in contemplation
Of things sowed by the heart never sought by the head.

© 2019 Lilith Ember All Rights Reserved

Reach – For Lilith

Some days I’m addicted
To the heartbreak,
The hard ache of knowing
I will never be the one.
Writing in cursive lines,
My mind wanders to strange places,
A fleeting moment where my hand
Plunges deep into my body,
To squeeze out the love,
And let it seep onto the floor.
Perilous belongings to the world of the night,
Make light of cold sheets,
And trembling lips.
The shadows unwind upon themselves,
Living in deeper creases
Than the love we share
When you hover near.

A new dawn brings a new day,
Where I wonder why
I ever believed my heart
Could break the stone of my resolve.
Like a child in need of guidance,
I welcome my wary insecurity.
Cradled safely in my arms,
I hush in her ear, caress her cheek
Remind her of the love she holds within.
“Lilith, dear,
Weep not for the lost,
For they are not your burden to bear.
Fear not for your soul,
For you are slave to no other.
Bear your love with pride, sweet Lilith,
For to desire the undesirable is simply a sign
That you fear your immutable strength.
You sway amidst the masked dancers,
Never quite here nor there,
Sometimes wanting what you cannot have,
As simply as opposites attract.
But no one will ever love you,
Sweet, darling, Lilith,
Because the greatest love you’ll know
Will always be the one you gift yourself.
Now. Always. Forever.”

Photo by Olexandra Pavlovka – “Self Hugging Project”

Loved – Ode to the Sea Pt. 3

Cry me to the Ocean
Accompany my words as they drift
Like sea glass, so beautiful and dull.
Sing me to the Storms
Caress my insecurities as they shift
Like babes sleeping, cradled by the lull.
Feed me to the Undercurrent
Destroy my woes with your gift
Like vultures, picking at the skull.
Take me to the Moon
Reflect on the depth of my tides as they lift
Like jagged rocks, smashing the hull.
Take me to the Edge
Hold my head under, make it swift
Like the drowning man failing to survive the pull.

© 2019 Lilith Ember All Rights Reserved

Seen – Ode to the Sea Pt. 2

Staring out at your infinite nature
The melancholy of the World
Hits like a wave breaking on the cliffs
Vague memories sink into the abyss
May the fish be their keep

Tides rushing out, like your dying breath
A waning moon rings the end, again
Luck has never been a better actor
In this infinite opera of life and death
Mere misunderstood moments
Brought to life by a laugh, a smile, a touch…
Lest we forget the beloved, cradled in the deep

You’ll be a part of me forever, standing true
A shimmering star, or a déjà vu.
I will always be me,
And you will always be you
No matter how deep the knife cuts
Or how much I break and weep.

© 2019 Lilith Ember All Rights Reserved

Lost – Ode to the Sea Pt. 1

Increase the murmur of your roar
Unbound force of eternally shifting worlds
Let the tides roll on heartbroken mounds
Banks of tears washed ashore

Your beauty captivates, breathless
Rendering young boys old, and old souls agape
Time immemorial bows beneath your shadows
Power to harness a million mournful moons

Many a few have wasted away in your waters
Embraced by the depths of the unspoken
Cradled softly by the currents
Of old wounds, and songs of solace

Kneeling in your wake, the last respite
Trembling hands, bracing for the breaker
As the rage subsides, glistening in the sun
You’ve taken him back, gentle in your favour

© 2019 Lilith Ember All Rights Reserved